Dearest Bette,

I'm comin' to visit ya again! I leave tomorrow and my students want to be sure that I tell you about this blog. They seem to think that because I talk to them about standing up for their beliefs, asking for help, and being strong, confident and not intimidated, means that I too need to model those things. But I am so intimidated!

I saw on My Life on the D-List when you and Kathy Griffin were chatting and you said that you don't think gushing for celebrities, icons or other mentors is good, that treating them like a peer is the proper reaction. But, how does one do that? Last time I met you, I could barely talk. I had practiced what I was going to say and still I haven't got a memory of what was really said. I only know what I practiced to say. How the hell am I supposed to tell you that I need your mentorship and that I value your advice and that I think you are Divine and fabulous and gracious and...see? I begin to flush even virtually! My heart patters hard and my eyes tear up. Most unwanted, my words become jumbled and unclear. So, how does one "get over" the personal upheevel and just treat them like they are others, just like me and internally believe that they also find me interesting, lovely, and important? Help! My students are asking me to do what I ask them to do and woah-meeting you seems so much more difficult that talking to a principal, parent, or community leader!

Dearest Bette,

My question tonight is short and sweet. When put on the spot, how do know what to say? There are so many times that I have conversations and am put on the spot, maybe to divulge something, sell someone under the bus, or to own up to something. It might also be that they accost me in the hallway, knowing that I am completely busy, and they stop me, asking something that catches me off guard, and I am not good at knowing what to say! Now, I know not to divulge or talk under my breath, but how does one handle knowing what to say when put on the spot? And what do you do when you know that you are right, someone else believes you to be wrong, and there is no way to change their mind? How do you know in the moment what to say? It seems I can always imagine the conversation AFTER!

Dearest Bette,

As a teacher, I spend much energy and time finding and promoting the things that children do well. As an adult, I am very aware of the nest-like position of my classroom. These lovely children will be pushed from the warm nest and into a world that is, perhaps, not as agreeable, loving, or personally satisfying as my little classroom. Society is better at looking at its children and finding the future, positive, and smart nature of each one. We are not so clear about our own possibilities and positive affirmational nature. I have spent time as someone who was good at things as identified by blue ribbons, certificates, grades or other token reinforcers. But, in adulthood there are no real external accolade for a job well done. I get few acknowledgments (except from the loving children children who effuse regularly, perhaps knowing its power?). There are no red carpets or Globes, TV banquets or mass applause. It is not that I imagine such outward support is the key to knowing if one is doing a good job, but I wonder how someone knows when they are good at something. How do I know that I am a good at what I do?

For example, I want to write a book. I have three ideas, all personally and impacting for those readers. Yet, after a doctorate in literacy, teaching reading and writing both to children and to teachers and adults, I just am not sure if I am good enough to have anything anyone wants to hear. There are times I have been successful at writing and others in which my footing was less than stable. So, in such a busy world, how do I know if it is something I should pursue? Will it come with time? experience? When will the wisdom to understand my own talents come? When did it come for you? How do you maintain self-efficacious beliefs?

Are the things that I believe myself to be good at, really those I am great at? Or, is it that my self-esteem suffers from the idea that I could do more, I could do better? Perhaps it is that I just dont know how one knows if what they are doing is really good and if they are really using all of their talents in ways that both serve the world and themselves. So, how dis you know that you were good at what you did and does such an announcement ebb and flow? You have done it all. Please tell me how!

Dearest Bette,

For two weeks now I have been actively and positively interacting with my world, remaining sure that optimism about humanity both situationaly and personally would prevail in my spirit. The positiveity ballet has played on. I have been more positively reflective about both myself and those I come into contact with. But, boy, it is hard work! I'm sure such positive affirmations and smiling talk shouldn't seem so disconnected to me, but it feels choreful with certain people. But I am moving forward, trying to walk the walk and talk the talk. I am honestly and creatively trying to make lemonade. But, wow. It is an incredibly taxing dance, like ballet, seemingly smooth and lithe, but strong and severe.

As a celebrity I would imagine many times in which you are put into situations that are not happiness inducing, and that there are time that are so positive for those you are with and you feel so not happy to be there. How do you consistently smile and feign happy when you really aren't happy? I'm imagining that no one is completely consistent, so if not, then what mantras and other skill sets do you use to remain positive with people, especially when you just don't feel like it? I

I know that a life chock-full of optimism, generosity of spirit, and positivity is much more fulfilling and am working diligently to bring even more of it into my life. So, what are the ways you bring such joy to your life? How do people who want to remain positive ballet through life?

Dearest Bette,

I think I have been typecast at work. My work is fraught with angst and ire between certain people and more specifically, between our department head and several of us. This head is abrasive and loud, mean, and gruff. Her management style is, "Do it because I said so." For teachers, who are used to academic and personal freedom, slavery comes heavy and hard. She has alienated many, including me. Over the winter holiday, I spent much time thinking and working on who I am at work. More specifically, at work,I am seen as someone who speaks her mind, is sarcastic, and energetic. I am also "the devil's advocate." I love to be in meetings and ask about the other side, to question why and how. Being such a person can be good when working with others who like to hear all the options and sides, or it can be bad, for those who feel like questions and ideas are threatening or lessen their influence. At my work, the latter is the case. Still, I have been known to continue, reiterating and advocating to the peril of my ideas and my own sanity. So, after much deliberation and self-reflection, I discovered such issues and spent much time re-figuring a new way of being at work, a positive, helpful, and insightful colleague. No sarcasm, no angst, no un-smiling questions were to be given. My mantras include: I am kind, and generous to those I like and those I am not so sure I like; I can lead AND follow; I am willing to try. I included that I would not gossip, listen to complaining, or be involved with other "talking about bad events/people/things."

I didnt think it was going to be easy to return to a place that had perhaps not had the awakening I had over the break, but I didnt realize how damn hard being typecast is. Within the first day I had been pulled into a stairwell conversation so as not to be overheard, told that I was not as important as another teacher, and made to do something I didn't want to do. But, I held strong. I didnt say a negative thing and I didnt gossip. I listened trapped, but I acknowledged the others' feelings and left on a positive, "Wow. That must have been hard. I know it was for me too," comment. Now, the first week back is over and I am exhausted. Still, there is no change. It is so hard! I dont think my department head sees me any differently and I am afraid that I am typecast to be my old self during every interaction.

I know it is only a week, but it has been 3 years of the same thing, no change. I fear I am typecast and it will never change. How do you move forward when others only experience you as the past? How do you work through typecasting? I know you have had issues with that. Ive heard interviews concerning calls in which you were too Jewish, not Jewish enough, too short or too old. I am too young, too loud, too energetic for an Ivory Tower, too tough, too soft. What do we do? How do you move past being typecast?

Dearest Bette,

I have an elderly neighbor, Miss Eva, whom I help out occasionally, buying groceries (or delivering them), finding phone numbers, other "car needed errands," and sometimes just dropping by. I feel that it is our duty as "youngsters" to help those around us that need help, which of course, is especially important for our elderly population. So, although my thoughts are not in direct link to those who are elderly, Miss Eva is definitely one of my issue examples. Miss Eva is an impossible conversationalist! She does not stop talking and has no boundaries to ascertain if it is an appropriate time for a long conversation. But, it is not just her!

I have trouble moving through an unsolicited conversation. I am stopped in the hallway, kept on the phone, and completely interrupted such that the current activity ceases to exist and the entering person, the conversation starter, gets the stage. For there, they go on and on and on! So, often in the morning as I walk to the car, Miss Eva will stop me to ask for help or to just chat. She actually waits for me at the neighbor's porch! What she doesn't seem to consider is that I am leaving for work and don't have 20 minutes to talk! When I stop by her house, I can't stay for 2 hours. It makes me avoid her all together (drive the car to the back so she can't tell if I am at home or gone) and not going over as often. But, while this situation sounds confined, it isn't. This same thing is true when I am at work. I have a hard time getting out of conversations that are time traps. It is true when I am on the phone and a conversation is dragging and time intensive, but I can't take that much time! Yet the other person continues to yap! I know that the common factor in each conversation is me, but I struggle so! I can stand through the talk and not say a damn thing and somehow it can continue. I notice myself avoiding eye contact when I am busy, but still it is difficult and not helping, for the most part. Today at work, I totaled 1 hour of lost working time! I actually tallied it!

I imagine in show business there are never-ending experiences in which you are stuck talking to someone that you don't really want to be talking to or someone who beseeches you as you are moving through your life on another errand. So, my question is, how do you move through a conversation such that the person you are talking to feels acknowledged, but the conversation is efficient and appropriate for the time you have? How do you pay homage, be seen as nice and kind, and yet end a conversation? Help!

Dearest Bette,

Work began again and students fill the desks before me. Others around me, both teachers and administrators are abuzz with the beginning of the year angst and excitement. I spent this winter holiday thinking and reassessing who I am, as a teacher and a person, and what I want out of my job. Now, let me give a little caveat, I love working with kids and with teachers, it is the "other" parts I have ire towards. And after much internal work, meditation, and writing, I entered the new semester with a plan to be positive, personable, and most importantly, non-complaining.

And then...others whom came back to school with the already knowing understanding of how this particular space is, lured me and plagued my new self. I did better than I have in other semesters, but I was not happy with the ways others were being treated and talked about and I struggled to know if I was to stay quiet or speak for those less able. I found myself upset at an administrator for how she was treating another teacher. I know that ultimately, I am responsible for my students and myself and I know for sure that if I was to speak up, I would get the angst from others, and yet, I must be a leader for those less fortunate or less able to speak, right? So how do I balance both my goals and take care to ensure the success of those on my team, those around me?

I guess what I am asking is, how do you balance your own, personal goals and needs with those whom are around you, especially those who compromise, undermine, or are abrasive towards your goals, attention, and self? What do you do when you must work with (or under) someone who is not supportive of who you are and what you want you want to achieve? How can I keep on track in a world of derailment and angst, a world in which bad news, energy, and will shroud me?

Dearest Bette,

I have spent about 34 years thinking that the Earth did things to me or that I deserved all the ill will that came my way. When something happened, it happened TO ME. For example, when I was not offered a job at CUNY, the world did it to me, the world chose for me not to have the job, to lose the opportunity to move to New York. It was the world's fault. The other way I handled things was to say that it was completely my fault, I deserved to not be chosen. When I didnt get a parking spot, the world didnt want me to and I am being punished. Now, don't ask me what I am being punished for. I don't know. I am a good, ethical, generous, and kind person. I work with children and adults and I save animals. I work hard everyday and give my best. I am thoughtful and nice. So, why do I deserve bad things? I dont know. I just do. I have been thinking a lot on this lately, and have come to believe that I must feel like I am not good enough to deserve good things, positive happenings in my life. How can that be? How can it be that I am not good enough? I work everyday, help old people, teach children, re-home animals, give money and time. I am nice and smart. I have a PhD dammit! It doesnt make sense!

So, why do I feel so inferior when logically I know I am a good person, a capable, warm person? Bette, I have seen your career fall, and seen you step away for awhile. Ive also seen it soar and success after success abound. I know you have had precious people die, and others show you how to live. You have had ups and downs just like me, and you, Bette, have exited victorious. Yet, I know you worked to get to a place in which your own locus of control was more powerful than those voices out in the world. So, how did you get there? How do you move to notice and admire the things about yourself that make you deserving, capable, confident, and most importantly, happy? How do you silence the world as well as that pessimistic, liar of an inner self that summons you sometimes?

My Imaginary Reader: Bette Midler

When teaching writing to youngsters, I talk to them about different types of writing. One that many have done is diary writing. We discuss what made them want to write a diary, keep a journal or other forms of daily, weekly life thoughts on paper. They talk about the need to get things out, to share what their thoughts are, and to not be judged. It is ultimately decided that journaling is about sharing something. So I ask them, "Who are you sharing it with," or "who are you writing to?" Undoubtedly, they imagine someone. Some students say God, others a make up an imaginary person, and others write to a parental figure be it a teacher or parent. Most recite that diaries are somewhat secret and that they do not expect that imagined person to really read their thoughts, but that having the potential person listening is important. So, this is my attempt to journal like a child. This journal is written to my imagined reader, Bette Midler, the Divine Miss M.

For 22 years I have watched her life. As an adult, I met her after her Vegas show last week and had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to sit and talk to her over coffee about life, love, and traversing this world. I see her as someone who has done it; she has made it through the ups and downs, the self-questioning of both her gregarious self and the quiet one, and now seems to be in a place where she gets to be accepted as herself, all of her possible selves. She has found love: for her family, her career, her Earth, and herself. I want those things too and imagine conversations with her that would help mentor me on my adulthood journey. Meeting her solidified my want to have a long conversation with her. I need her to chat with me. So, this is my conversation, my journal to Bette.

Do I imagine her reading this? No, probably not, but it is not completely a null idea, I suppose. Maybe the chance of a coffee chat is enough to get me thinking, processing, and journaling? So, "Hi, Bette. I'm Jenny and I've met you before. These are my questions and ideas, things I'd like to discuss with you someday."